Friday, March 25, 2011

Hey, Lorraine:

My daughter told me a joke the other day she thought was funny and insisted I tell it to you. But it isn't so I won't. However, the punch line is this:

"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."

She thought you'd love a joke with your name in it. I didn't want to tell her that jokes about adultery and uxoricide are not funny unless you're the office whore. And I also didn't want to lie about singing the ending to you since she reminds me every day.

So here, with love from Miss M and apologies from me :)


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Look Look!


Alberta Feretti has designed the slutty Halloween costume version of Carol Burnett's Gone With the Wind curtain-gown!!!


Monday, March 21, 2011

Dear World,

When did we all become muffin-haters? I am guilty as well. I just pulled a chocolate, chocolate-chip muffin into two parts and sneered at the top of it. I'm not kidding. I gave it a dirty look and cast it aside.

Ok, so my question is a bit disingenuous. I know when. So do you. It happened at the intersect of low-rise jeans and high-protein diets.

But I would like to go on the record as being the woman to remind us all that the muffin top is the tastiest part :)


Monday, March 14, 2011

The morning after

Can I start by saying I hate Daylight Savings Time? Also, I think we are angering the sun god by messing with her schedule and we shouldn't make her angry. You don't want to see her when she gets angry.

It should feel like any other morning...only early...but it doesn't. Things like this always happen:

Mama: What is THIS?!!

Little C: (waking an hour early from a deep sleep) huuuuhh?

Mama: It is GUM! On your BED!

Little C: I need that! I am testing it!

Mama: Oh, no. "Does my chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?" is not a valid hypothesis you are going to run through the Scientific Method.

Little C: Why not!?

Mama: Because even if you were able to acquire some product to re-test in the next 10 years, replicating the results is cost prohibitive!

Little C: What?

Mama: What I said was you will not have gum for a long time and when you do, if you try this again, you will pay dearly. Now get downstairs and eat your breakfast!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

do you play?

This Words With Friends game...do you play? I do. Generally I do quite well. But I am pretty stuck on this one game. I have come up with an unusually high number of words that don't qualify according to their dictionary.

The Game must be very tired of apologizing to me for it: "Sorry, that is not an acceptable word."

Especially since it really is all my fault.

I wonder if she sits there, in sleep mode, alert but with her eyes closed, just dreading the touch of my cold fingers. Oh, she'll light up. She always does. But her heart won't be in it.

She should have listened to her motherboard and never gotten involved with me in the first place.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

take light-years off your figure

I am kind of fascinated by mannequins. I love how they started out trying to look human and now they look like aliens. Even more, I find it psychologically intriguing that they started out trying to look human and now many humans try to look like them.

Which, if I have my logic correct, means we are trying to look like aliens. No thanks. Not for me. I am too short and too curvy to try for that shit. Maybe I could try and look like the alien mothership. That's a goal well within in my reach...and not far from it, either. I am going to put that on my calendar for June.

To serve my circum-40 peer group, I have come up with an idea to help those who maybe are interested in cultivating that mannequin look. It can start with something as simple as nipples. I don't know when they grew them, but they have them. The closest I can pin it on the fashion timeline is within the last 10 years. I suspect it has something to do with the late shift at the torso-molding facility and a couple of co-workers who give the job about 40% of their time and the other 60% to their porn/pot habits.

Specifically we are considering size and placement. Although I live in a cold climate, I am far too interested in staying warm to sacrifice comfort for naturally reproducing the mannequinesqe breast. The solution is easy and cheap. It could even be FREE if you know someone with a toddler.

Cheerios.

Yep. Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios seem to work the best for two reasons. First, once you start to perspire a little they stick in place. Secondly, that coating makes them a bit more durable. You can just slip one in each cup wherever you'd like them. Higher. Lower. I guess it depends on which department you shop in. If Young Miss is your ideal, I'd say start higher.