Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Just a bit off the back, please

I have come to the conclusion (or the justification if you want me to be honest with you) that I have no problem with having bits of me removed.  But to not feel like a complete faker, I am drawing the line at having anything added.  It's what lets me sleep at night.  No implants, inserts, or injectables to make my face freeze.

Here's why no implants: there is no room to put anything anyway.  I'm full up.

And the face injections...until the day comes when I don't need to silently let my kids or spouse know the degree of my disapproval with a glance I'll be needing all of those facial muscles.  The wrinkles?  They are like multiple !!!! at the end of my glare to really drive the point home.

What use to me is a constant look of surprise?

The cleverest of the bunch

Little C's fourth grade class does a Wax Museum Biography project in the Spring.  For those of you unfamiliar with this concept I will explain...

The student picks a person to research.
They learn about their life, their work, or whatever else they find interesting about the subject.
Then, on the given day, each kid dresses up as their subject.
They all stand still like statues (a clever teacher could get some mileage out of "rehearsal") until one of the Museum Visitors presses their button.
At which point they Come character...and give a 1-2 minute presentation about their subject.

It's a hoot.  There will be your Betsy Ross, your Teddy Roosevelt, your President Obama, your Sacajawea, your Michael Phelps, your Steve Jobs, and so on.  The costumes and the cacophony of dozens of simultaneous speeches in varying degree of enthusiasm...I just love it.

So Little C comes home and tells me he picked his subject.  The little shit sweetheart picked Harpo Marx.  And don't think for a second he didn't know what he was doing.

"What is your plan?" I ask with some volume I won't quite call shouting. "Steal other people's props and honk a horn for 90 seconds?"

His reply?


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

What are big brothers for?

[Advice overheard and reported by Miss M]

Big C (13): "So, Little C (9), boobs are a chronic disorder.  They make one irritable, irrational, and insane.  Don't worry, though.  If you were going to get them you'd have shown some clinical signs by now."

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Enough to make me Tweet

Justin Timberlake's Suit and Tie is a great song.  But I just want to make sure Luther Vandross gets some posthumous credit for writing half of it.  Is there some place you send reports of plagiarism?  Twitter?  Thanks.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Dear Children,

I think you know who is to blame for the glitter and Play-doh clay in your ravioli and it isn't me.  Please return my kitchen scissors and I will return yours to your craft box.  Washed, by the way.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Little C: (not said without tears) "It is just so difficult to go to bed at this time when I am perfectly aware that Big C and Miss M are still awake."

Mama: "I know, doll.  But think of it this way...they are older and have had many more nights of early bedtimes than you have.  Stay in bed.  Good night.  I love you."

As I walked down the hall I heard his voice in the darkness: "Yah, but PERCENTAGE!!"

Sunday, September 30, 2012

an Open Letter to Derek Landy

Dear Mr. Landy,

I need to thank you.  Thank you for writing strong, intelligent, fierce, learning-as-they-go female characters.  Thank you for their mistakes as much as their glory, their losses next to their victories.  Thank you for throwing unbeatable obstacles in their way.  You know why?  Because this is exactly what the world throws at people every day.  And, for some reason, adolescent females get hit pretty hard.  So thank you for throwing in some do-or-die friends in as well.  Not perfect friends.  But the best kind.  The ones that tell you what you need to hear and love you more because of your flaws.  And when you show them that the world will pick up and move on and so must give them a gift.  You are a Class Act Feminist, you are.  And around here we love you for it.


...and we especially adore you for inspiring our daughter to rock a Valkyrie Cain vibe for her High School Homecoming dance.

She did not have to kick any ass but she could have.  She had the boots for it.

Much love and many thanks,


Do the rest f you know Derek Landy's Skullduggery Pleasant books?  If you reside on the westerly side of the Atlantic I would not be surprised.  But it would be worth your while to get your hands on a set.